True
Fact: My first rejection letter came from L. Ron Hubbard's Writers of
the Future series. I was somewhere between the ages of 13 and 15. The
story was titled "Special Delivery," about a boy who pretends to be sick
so his mom will leave him home alone, whereupon he is terrorized by
miniature, mischievous trolls (delivered to him in a mysterious
package).
My favorite thing about this is that I attempted to take cliches and make them literal, in a way that turns out to be pretty imperative in Ralph's battle with the trolls.
Here is the story in all it's ridiculous, I-have-only-read-Goosebumps-and-Dean-Koontz-novels-up-til-now, glory:
Ralph
looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. His cheeks were puffing out past his
ears and his nose was as red as a cherry. His eyes were glazed over and he
could barely see his own reflection.
"Sweetie,
you're going to be late for school," his mother called from downstairs.
"Ungh,"
Ralph replied. He exited the bathroom and walked lazily down the stairs.
"Oh
my," his mother gasped when he met her in the kitchen. "You don't
look well."
"Bud
I feel fined, momb," he said.
"No,
I think you should go back to bed and get some rest. I'll call the
school."
Ralph
went to his room and lay down on the bed. In a few minutes his mother came up
to give him a hug and say goodbye before she left for work.
Once
Ralph was sure she had left, he took the mound of cotton swabs out of his mouth
and removed the cherry from his nose. Lastly, he wiped the glaze away from his
eyes and returned it to his donut. He proceeded to change into jeans and a
t-shirt while jumping on his bed. He had fooled his mom once again.
"Eight
wonderful hours of a mom-free house!" Ralph declared aloud as he munched
on some potato chips. "There are a million and one things I could
do!"
Within
the next half hour, Ralph had done all one million and one things there were to
do. He was very bored.
"Ah,
shucks," Ralph complained. "Now what?"
A knock
at the front door nearly scared him to death.
"Who
is it?" Ralph asked.
There was
no answer.
"Who's
there?" Ralph asked again.
There was
another knock.
Ralph
picked up a fire poker from the fireplace and cautiously pulled open the door.
A white package wrapped in a black ribbon was waiting for him on the stoop.
Ralph
looked from right to left before stepping out onto the porch and picking up the
package. Once inside, Ralph slammed and locked the door behind him. He shook
the package up and down. It made no sound.
Ralph
carried the package into the kitchen and set it on the table. He searched it
for a card or tag or something that would identify who had sent this mysterious
gift. Finding no tag, Ralph decided to go ahead and untie the ribbon.
Suddenly,
the telephone rang. Ralph jumped into the air, his heart leaping out of his
chest. When the telephone rang once more, Ralph hurried to pick up his heart
and ran to answer the phone.
"Hello,"
Ralph said in a gruff voice, trying to sound like his father.
"Mr.
Boden?" The voice asked. "This is Principle Albert. I'm calling to
let you know that Ralph is not in school today."
"Yes.
He's sick," Ralph lied, still impersonating his father.
Principle
Albert grunted. "Well, are you aware, Mr. Boden, that young Ralph has been
'sick' almost everyday for the past few weeks?"
"He
has the mumps," Ralph said, thinking fast.
"Well,
if it's so severe that he can miss weeks of school, wouldn't it be smart to take
him to the hospital for proper treatment?"
"Yes.
That's exactly where we were headed before you called."
"Is
that so?" Principle Albert questioned. "In that case--"
"Look
here, Principle Albert," Ralph shouted into the phone. "My son is
shivering and burning up at the same time, his cheeks are puffed out past his
ears, he is in terrible pain, and only this phone call is keeping me from
taking him to the hospital before he doubles over and dies right here and
now!"
Ralph
inhaled deeply and exhaled loudly. "Now if you don't mind, Principle, I'm
going to escort my son to the emergency room. Good day to you, sir!"
Ralph
hung up the phone and settled into a chair across from the mysterious package.
He felt very proud of himself. He had always wanted to say "Good day to
you, sir".
Now Ralph
set back to the task of untying the dark ribbon from the pale white package.
Before the ribbon could be completely untied, though, the door bell rang and
Ralph hurried to answer it. There on the porch was a plain yellow envelope
sealed with a sticker that displayed the words "Excellent Work!"
beside a picture of a man giving the thumbs-up sign. Ralph took the sticker and
smoothed it onto his hand before going back inside, forgetting all about the
envelope.
No sooner
had Ralph closed the door when someone knocked hard on it. Ralph swung the door
open as fast as lightning but no one was on the porch. His eyes trailed down to
the yellow envelope which had been stripped of its sticker. Ralph picked it up
and went back inside.
On the
way back to the kitchen, he opened the envelope. Inside were a five dollar bill
and a letter which read: There's more where that came from.
Ralph
closed the envelope and reopened it. Sure enough, another five dollars
appeared. Another letter was stuffed beside it. It read: That's not what I
meant.
Ralph
took the money and put it in his wallet. He threw away the letters and stuck
the envelope in his secret hiding spot for a rainy day.
He
returned to the kitchen and finished freeing the package from the black ribbon.
Once that was taken care of, he tore the white wrapping paper off. Underneath
was a brown cardboard box. Ralph tried to open it with his fingernails, but it
was no use. He extracted a cutting knife from one of the counter drawers and
stuck it into the package.
A shrill
cry made Ralph stop cutting. Once he pulled the knife from the package, the
noise was gone. When he shoved the knife back into the package the shrieking
and screaming resumed. Ralph ignored it as he cut away the cardboard edges of
the box.
After
several minutes the screaming stopped and the walls of the box fell open. Ralph
carefully peered inside and gasped at what he saw.
Five tiny
trolls stared up at him. They had big bulging eyes, large noses that whistled
when they breathed, and their bodies were short and pudgy. They wore blue and
black overalls and they pulled on the straps as they nervously surveyed their
surroundings. Then, one by one, they nodded at each other and hopped out of the
ruined box onto the table.
Ralph
started to say hello when all of a sudden one of the trolls let out a high
pitched squeak and shouted, "We're free! We're free!" Then all the
trolls laughed hideously and bounded off the table, scattering in different
directions.
Ralph
blinked. He could not believe what had just happened.
The door
bell rang and Ralph hesitantly got up to answer it. There on the welcome mat
was another letter lying atop another package. Ralph was about to pick up the
package when he heard a shrill cry from behind him. He spun around just in time
to see one of the little trolls scurrying away with his wallet hoisted over its
head.
They're
little thieves! Ralph thought to himself. He stepped out on to the porch
and shut the door behind him.
He sat on
the stoop, opened the envelope, frowned when he saw no money, and read the
enclosed letter: So you opened the package, huh? Well, we suppose, then,
that you may want to open this one as well. They will help you recapture the
demonic trolls. We'll be in touch. Signed, Us.
Ralph
quickly opened the package and released five little knights on five little
horses. The horses grunted and the knights greeted one another. Then they
turned to Ralph and one of them said in a tiny voice, "Greetings,
Mi'Lord.” He bowed. “I am Claude. These are my men. Lead us to the trolls.”
Ralph
silently opened the door to reveal three tiny little trolls laughing fiendishly
to themselves as they dragged a ball of string across the room. When they saw
the five little knights on five little horses, they screamed and scurried away,
dropping their treasure.
“CHARGE!”
Claude shouted as the five knights galloped into the house.
Ralph
shut the front door and slumped down on the stoop. He wished he had gone to
school.
* * *
After a
few minutes of kicking himself for skipping school, Ralph got up and went
inside. He looked himself over in the bathroom mirror. His eye was bruised and
there was a shoe print on his left cheek and forehead. He scrubbed himself
clean and headed to the kitchen for a snack.
On the
trek over, he could hear faint screeching and cries of triumph. At one point
during his snack, Ralph spotted one of the horses dragging itself stealthily
across the living room floor. When the horse disappeared behind the wall, a
tiny demonic troll burst out of the shadows and chased the horse with a sharp
little axe gripped in its tiny little hands.
Ralph
shook his head, attempting to rid himself of images of trolls hacking away at
defenseless little horses.
When the
phone rang, Ralph jumped out of his skin. He answered the phone in his father's
voice.
"Oh,
um . . ." The voice on the other end stuttered. "Wrong number."
Ralph
recognized the voice as that of his best friend and stopped him before he could
hang up. "Orson, it's me."
"Oh."
Orson sounded relieved. "You sounded like your dad for a minute."
A troll scampered
into the kitchen, picked up Ralph's skin, and ran back out of the room.
"Um
. . ." Ralph began. "I know we were planning on skipping school
together today, but something's come up."
"What?"
Orson asked.
Ralph
peered out the kitchen doorway, watching nervously as the troll started to fold
his skin.
"It's
too hard to explain," Ralph said, desperately wanting to hang up.
"Try
me," Orson pressed.
The troll
shot a quick, wicked glance in Ralph’s direction and sank its teeth into his
juicy flesh burger.
"Look,"
Ralph said quickly. "Come over if you want, but it'll be at your own
risk."
He hung
up and rushed at the troll. It yelped and scurried away. Ralph slipped back
into his skin and bandaged up the troll bites.
* * *
Ralph was hiding in the chimney when
the door bell rang. He jumped down and peered out the window, fearing that
another mysterious package would be waiting for him. But only Orson stood
there, swaying innocently back and forth as he waited patiently for Ralph to
answer the door.
Suddenly,
Ralph felt a piercing pain in his leg. He turned around and saw a tiny troll
aiming another tiny arrow at his other leg. Then, quicker than you could say
"Rumplestiltsken,” a knight rode in and chased the troll out of the room,
his apologies to Ralph trailing behind him.
"Hey,
Ralph," Orson called from the front porch. "Come on! Open the
door!"
Ralph
sighed and opened the door, pulling Orson inside as quickly as possible.
"So
what do you want to do today?" Orson asked, smiling. But that smile
quickly gave way to a frown when he saw two trolls slide down the upstairs
banister and scurry into the kitchen, immediately followed by a tiny little
knight on a tiny little horse.
Orson's
eyes popped out of his head at the sight of the little creatures running around
outside of their usual setting in fantasy novels. Ralph helped Orson push his
eyes back into their sockets and quickly explained the situation.
"Why'd
you open the package in the first place, dummy?" Orson asked in amazement.
"That's
not the point," Ralph said.
"Curiosity
did kill the cat, you know," Orson reminded Ralph.
"Look,"
Ralph said, ignoring the comment. "It doesn't matter why I did it,
it just matters that I did it. Now I have five tiny trolls and five
little horsemen tearing up my house and I need to get them out of here before
my mom comes home in less than four hours!"
"Okay.
I'll help you get rid of them," Orson said.
"I
think maybe we should see what the horsemen can do first," Ralph replied.
A faint
wheezing and coughing sound interrupted their conversation. Ralph and Orson
looked around the room until they found Claude bleeding out on top of a
newspaper headline which read: CURIOSITY SENDING MILLIONS OF CATS TO THEIR
DEATHS --- IS THERE A CURE?
"Claude!"
Ralph rushed to Claude's side and held his hand with his pinky finger.
"Truly
sorry, Mi' Lord," Claude struggled to say. "I have failed thee. Just
. . . do me one favor, Mi' Lord? Kill those little demons!"
With
that, Claude took his last breath and fell into eternal sleep.
Ralph and
Orson flushed the little knight down the toilet in the upstairs bathroom then
went back downstairs to formulate a plan to take out the trolls.
"We
don't need a plan," Orson protested. "Just step on 'em!"
Just
then, a troll ran into the room and Orson picked up his foot to step on it. As his
foot came down, the troll stopped and raised its tiny axe over its head in a
defensive position. Orson's foot slammed down on the little axe and quickly
shot back up. The troll ran away, snickering, as Orson tore off his shoe and
massaged his wounded sole.
"Okay,
bad idea," Orson said. "Do you have a better one?"
Ralph was
about to answer when the door bell rang. Orson looked out the window and swung
back to Ralph, his face unusually pale.
"It's
Principle Albert!" he exclaimed.
"What's
he doing here?" Ralph asked, more to himself than to Orson.
"Mr.
Boden," Principle Albert called from the porch. "I understand that
you're upset with me, but I've come to extend my apologies."
"Just be quiet and maybe he'll
go away," Orson whispered.
It was a
good ten minutes before Principle Albert finally stopped rattling off tearful
apologies and left. Over the course of that ten minutes Ralph and Orson sat on
the living room floor and attempted to keep as still and quiet as possible.
This was a very difficult task, due to the five tiny trolls and four little
knights on four little horses who insisted on using Ralph and Orson's bodies as
their battleground.
"Whew!
Glad that's over," Orson said when Principle Albert was gone.
Ralph
kicked at a troll. "What are we going to do about these?"
"Maybe
we could burn 'em," Orson suggested.
Ralph
shook his head, "No. . . . Wait! I know!"
Ralph whispered
his plan into Orson's ear and their faces lit up with delight. They turned them off quickly before the trolls noticed.
In a little over five minutes the trap was set. Now all they needed to do was
convince the knights to use themselves as bait.
"Never!"
One of the knights said.
"Bait
for those demons? Puh-lease!" Said another.
"Neigh!"
The horses exclaimed in unison.
"It's
the only way to get rid of them," Ralph pleaded.
"Nonsense."
One of the knights stepped forward. "We have them right where we want
them."
"And
where's that?" Ralph asked.
The
little knight looked confused. "Well, we have them right under our feet,
that's where. Ready to crush them at any moment."
"Fine.
Go crush. Crush your little hearts out!" Ralph said, annoyed.
The four
little knights and their four little horses disbanded and continued their
useless chase of the trolls.
"Great,"
Orson groaned. "Now what can we use?"
"I've
got it." Ralph snapped his fingers. "Scare me."
"What?"
"Scare
me."
"Over
twenty-five new deadly viruses have been circulating the air since
November."
"That's
not what a meant, Orson. Like, startle me."
Orson
stared and blinked at Ralph. Ralph waited patiently. Then, without warning, Orson
screamed and jumped at Ralph. Ralph jumped out of his skin.
"Okay,
now we set my skin under the trap and wait for the trolls to come," Ralph
said.
"Are
you sure it's going to work?" Orson asked.
"Trust
me," Ralph said.
They
carried his skin into the living room and set it under the trap. Then they hid behind
the couch and waited.
In less
than half an hour, four trolls scurried across the living room floor, following
the scent of the skin. When they reached their destination and were about to dig
in, Ralph tugged on a string and a fairly large wire box slammed down around
the trolls.
"Yes!"
Ralph and Orson cried out.
As the
trolls screeched and foamed at the mouth behind the wires of their new cage,
Ralph lifted up the box long enough to retrieve his skin, but not long enough
for any of the trolls to escape.
While
Ralph dressed hurriedly, Orson counted the screaming trolls.
"There's
only four," he said.
"What?"
Ralph recounted the trolls. "Where's the other one?"
"Beats
me," Orson said. He was looking out the window. "But we had better
find it soon because I think your mom just pulled into the driveway."
"No,"
Ralph said, but when he looked out the window he saw his mother's mini-van
disappear into the garage. "She's early."
"Hurry,"
Orson said. "Let's get rid of these."
Ralph and
Orson hastily wrapped the wire box containing the four trolls with pale white
paper and a dark ribbon. Then they told the four little knights that the five
tiny trolls had scampered off to the neighbor's house, and the knights quickly
gave chase.
"See
you tomorrow," Orson said as he ran out the back door with the package
tucked between his arms.
"See
you," Ralph said. "And don't forget to send that thing far, far
away!"
Just as
Ralph closed the back door, his mother opened the front door. Ralph ran
silently to his room where he waited for his mom to come up and check on him.
"How're
you feeling?" his mother asked as she opened the bedroom door.
"Better,"
he said.
"What'd
you do today?" She took a few steps forward as the last troll shot out
from under Ralph's bed. Her foot slammed down hard on it. There was a faint,
satisfying splat that only Ralph
could hear.
"Nothing,"
he replied, smiling.
* * *
Weeks
later, in a completely different part of the world, two young boys received a
pale white package tied with a dark ribbon.
"Qui
hic est?" one boy asked the other.
"Videamus,"
the boy replied, excitement glittering in his eager
eyes.
