Sunday, November 29, 2009

We can't all be famous strippers

Clearly, I have lost interest in the self-imposed format of this "movie review" blog. Remember when Diablo Cody was just a small-town stripper and she posted about her adventures and America (or at least, one of its publishing companies) fell in love with her and she got a sweet book deal? All I have to do is find a job in the sex industry and blog about my struggles with objectification, personal shame, lack of medical insurance, and the blurred line between sexual abuse and "work place hazards"! Hmmm. Maybe that's not exactly how Cody did it.

Perhaps I am not posting very often because going over old movies is essentially living in the past. A past filled with multiple viewings of mediocre comedies, dramas, and horror flicks, while I stayed in on Friday nights and ate my feelings. Perhaps it is time to move on, to find something I can truly believe in, a cause I can get behind. A gospel, a theology. A creation story that makes as much sense as any other.

You Say Blasphemy Like it was a Bad Thing

So there was God.

God was quite alone, being God and all. God did not entirely know how God came into existence, but God saw no reason to question it. Who would God ask anyway? It just seemed pointless. So God simply went with it.

It was quite some time before God realized what awesome powers God possessed. Of course, since God was the only thing in existence, God not having figured out yet that God had the incredible ability to bring other things into existence, the concept of time was not yet constructed, so God did not get too bored waiting around to discover God’s powers.

The first thing God created was pronouns. Instead of referring to God as God, God now referred to God as himself. Other forms of this included he, him, or the possessive, his. Things went considerably smoother after this. Until, of course, God created Man and Woman, and there was much confusion with pronouns, which ultimately led to questions of gender, identity, and power dynamics. But that is skipping ahead.

So there was God, and pronouns.

Pronouns were little comfort for God. He could not talk to pronouns; he could not be very entertained by pronouns. So he created a planet, and seeing that it was pretty much a success, he created several more planets, then billions of stars, and suns, and moons, and a red squirrel. Yes, God created a red squirrel, and by his sheer will it floats about the universe, simply for his amusement. Every once in a while, even to this day, he catches a glimpse of that furry little rodent in the corner of his ever-watchful eye and he chuckles.

God selected the planets he had just made and, one by one, filled them up with various objects, some of which he so graciously endowed with a consciousness similar, yet far inferior, to his own. God had a great sense of pride and a good deal of forethought; he figured that if he granted anything the great consciousness that he possessed, everything would want to create their own things, but not also having his abilities of creation, they would become severely depressed. Instead, he gave various things varying levels of consciousness and eventually the things who considered themselves of a higher consciousness asserted dominion over the things they considered to be of a lower consciousness, and the things that were considered to have a lower consciousness (who did not at all agree with the other things) fought against this oppression and chaos and turmoil ensued and prevails even to this day. At least that severe depression was cleverly avoided.

What sorts of things occupied each planet are, of course, too numerous to name. God enjoyed each planet in an equal but different way, shifting his attention from each as a human would one day change the channels on an as yet invented television set.

God cannot recall the exact point at which things started getting difficult on one particular planet of his. Yes, the concept of time had been created, but even so, God paid little attention to it, time having been created not for him but for certain beings of a certain consciousness. Anyway, things really started getting confusing for God the day a couple of humans found out about his existence.

At first, God was taken aback. Then when he really thought about, he figured he had been quite an egotistical fool to think he was the only thing in existence to have such an awesome consciousness. The only way some other entity could know about God and his creation process was if they had seen him. A little searching proved God right: there was another being who had been in existence as long as him, and that being called itself Devil.

So there was God, and pronouns, and a universe, and planets, and things existing on the planets, some possessing consciousness and some not, and some who knew of God, and Devil.

God decided the best way to deal with this situation before it became too volatile was to hold council with Devil. They met above planet mars because it was not quite so drafty there. God was surprised by Devil, for, aside from his initial shock at discovering a consciousness as great as his even existed, Devil was quite handsome, inasmuch as a consciousness can be handsome.

God and Devil began their meeting with small talk, which quickly led to gossiping about the goings-on of particular planets, which, in turn, led to the dissolving into giggles on both their parts. It was a long while before the issue they had met to discuss was even brought up, God and Devil were having too much fun relishing in each others company.

But the time came to discuss the issue. God did not want anyone to know he existed because he thought it would complicate things. Devil calmly explained to God that no one would really know God existed, not for absolute fact, just that some would believe and some would not. God countered that this too would lead to complications because those who did not believe would argue with those who did believe, and both sides would never cease to question until they did find out for an absolute fact whether or not he existed. Devil told God he thought too much, and besides, no matter what the consequences, wasn’t it fun to watch all of the drama unfold? God conceded that Devil was right, it was quite entertaining, and after all, isn’t that the reason God created everything in the first place?

A consensus having been reached, God and Devil parted ways amicably. God became for the first time in his existence rather nervous when Devil contacted him later for another rendezvous. They met this time in a star cluster which was very pretty that time of year. This meeting went superbly better than the last meeting, and God and Devil continued to meet many more times afterward, and eventually moved in together.

So there was God, and there was Devil, and if they had hands to entwine and a sunset to walk into, we would only ever see their backs.

(2/06 - crap, still living in the past)

1 comment:

  1. So my post that I love this obviously didn't get recorded, but ... I love this.