Recently, I came across a folder full of shitty poems I wrote for my mandatory undergrad class. They are hilarious, as I am seemingly incapable of writing poetry unless it is super emo (hilarious by nature) or intentionally a joke (jokes are funny even - or especially - when they fail!). It's not that I don't enjoy reading the occasional poetry book, or admire those who take writing poetry seriously. It's just that I really, really suck at it. Therefore, I thought you make like to laugh with/at me. Here are some poems plus doodles I did in my workbook during class:
This prompt is causing trouble
For my poor distracted mind
My eyes seek something solid
My pen could then define.
There's snow and brick and paper
And people all around
But a headache's creeping in
And like a tape rewound
This poem will end where it began
As nothing, safe and sound.
Prompt: dramatic poem from pov of family member.
My Dog Talks About Our Family Vacation
You are all smiles, tight, pulled at the corners, stretched
Over a face meant to frown.
I know what's up.
I know it is too good to be true
Too much to dream
When I've been in the yard all day
Chasing after phantom squirrels
Evasive as the wind, endless.
You've been stacking objects on top of other objects
In that thing that takes you away.
You can't catch me with that sweet allure of people food
Straight from your plate to my watering mouth.
I'm wagging my tail but I'm not happy.
I'm chewing your treats but I don't want them.
Because the next thing is hands
Choking, pulling -- damn this collar!
Your cooing voices urgent and annoyed --
At me? I've done nothing.
Yet here I am. One more smile from you,
Same false promise, as he door shuts and my cage is locked.
My voice reverberates of the tiles; the water in my dish dimples.
I crash back and forth, nails scraping, slipping.
I lie down and seem to sleep forever
Dreaming of the squirrels,
My phantoms.
Evasive as the wind, endless.
You've been stacking objects on top of other objects
In that thing that takes you away.
You can't catch me with that sweet allure of people food
Straight from your plate to my watering mouth.
I'm wagging my tail but I'm not happy.
I'm chewing your treats but I don't want them.
Because the next thing is hands
Choking, pulling -- damn this collar!
Your cooing voices urgent and annoyed --
At me? I've done nothing.
Yet here I am. One more smile from you,
Same false promise, as he door shuts and my cage is locked.
My voice reverberates of the tiles; the water in my dish dimples.
I crash back and forth, nails scraping, slipping.
I lie down and seem to sleep forever
Dreaming of the squirrels,
My phantoms.
Prompt: imitation poem
While you were out
Your brother was in --
In me.
He has a tenderness,
A passionate caress
That I have never known
From you.
I orgasmed
While you were out
Your brother was in --
In me.
He has a tenderness,
A passionate caress
That I have never known
From you.
I orgasmed
At least
Six
Times.
But I feel really bad about it.
P.S.
Don't forget to pick up Suzie from ballet.
Six
Times.
But I feel really bad about it.
P.S.
Don't forget to pick up Suzie from ballet.
Prompt: a song to welcome spring
Spring spring time to sing
Time to interrupt sleep stupid birds
Spring spring the blooms it brings
Trampled by rushing boots
Spring spring play on the swing
Not while this wasp lays eggs in my bed
Spring spring time to sing
Time to interrupt sleep stupid birds
Spring spring the blooms it brings
Trampled by rushing boots
Spring spring play on the swing
Not while this wasp lays eggs in my bed
This One's Just Punny
The little boy in the bike accident
Looks to his mom and says, check it out, ma,
No hands! Waving stumps in the air
As he flies down the hospital corridor
In his wheelchair.
Looks to his mom and says, check it out, ma,
No hands! Waving stumps in the air
As he flies down the hospital corridor
In his wheelchair.
