Wednesday, December 7, 2011
5 Ways to Enjoy Eat Your Heart Out Even if You Don't Like Zombies
I don't like zombies either. That is why I kill them. Kill them hard. That is another good title for a zombie book. You may use it.
But listen, okay, it's the holidays and you have a couple days off work and your power is out because you live on the East Coast in a snow cave so you're unable to watch your Glee DVDs or listen to your Glee iTunes covers or Twitter your #gaysharks tweets. WHAT TO DO?? Mayhaps read a book? And you say to yourself, man, I sure do like some lesbian fiction, but what the hells is up with all lesbian fiction all the time featuring zombies for always all of it all over?
THE ANSWER IS SIMPLER AND MORE GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT THAN THAT PREVIOUS SENTENCE WOULD LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE!
Yes, Eat Your Heart Out is ripe with equal parts gay ladies (I just made you think of gay lady parts) and flesh-hungry zombies. This may be a problem for you if you are not into zombie fiction (if you are not into gay lady fiction, um, you must have clicked this blog by mistake), but rest easy! There are other ways to enjoy this book even if you hate zombies - five ways, in fact:
1. Replace the word "zombie" with the word "vampire." (Now it's exactly like a CW show - OMG MAGIC)
2. Send your copy to Michelle Rodriguez, suggesting she option the movie rights and play the role of Renni Ramirez. (Everybody wins when M.Rod plays gay, right?)
3. Skip to pages 45-46, 93-96, and 104-105. (You're welcome.)
4. Cull together a found poem for your creative writing class by using the fifth and sixth words of each first-paragraph sentence on a random page.
(From page 89:
just running to them,
it was slapping
...Wait, that sucked. )
5. Generously provide bathroom reading material for your guests. (Maybe your guests like zombies, did you ever think of that, you selfish bastard?)
Can you think of more ways to enjoy the book? Did you cull a found poem? Did you know that the X-Men 90s cartoon taught me the word "cull"? Enlightenment!